Monday, September 7, 2009

What I'm REALLY thinking...

I. Am. Terrified.
There are times when I don’t even want to think of it – because when I do, I can’t breathe.

I forget to breathe.

Those of you that have children know the feeling of this.

When your child is sick. There is nothing you can do. You can hold him. You can hug, kiss, rock… but they are still sick. Even if it is just a bug, your baby is sick and you want to do all in your power to make that little stomach bug go away.

Imagine that feeling. Every day. Imagine that sickness being invisible. Being able to grow inside your child’s body. Inside his brain. In his belly. In his eyes. Imagine that sickness being there, but you not knowing it. Not knowing where it is. What it is. I’m helpless.

Imagine finding out that your child has small tumors, known as neurofibromas - growing on his brain. Hearing this over the phone and falling to my knees to the floor.

Seeing a bump on the outside of his head - change on a regular basis. Are these two things related? Are they total separate from each other? Waiting, ‘patiently’ to see a doctor….

What’s going through my head?

I’m Petrified. Is it malignant? Is it cancer? Is it benign? Will he have to have surgery?
He is only 3.
He shouldn’t have to go through this. NO ONE SHOULD.

Deep breath. Pray. Cry. Pray.

Is this affecting his learning? Is he in pain? What should I do? Maybe I should find the best Dr. in the U.S….the WORLD…

Thinking again…way too much.
If it is on his brain, what if it is affecting the rest of his body. I can’t stand the thought of him in pain. Hurting. What should I do? On one hand I don’t want to be the one that thinks something is always wrong…but on the other hand, I WANT TO KNOW. It’s my right to know – and do all I can to find out.

I think about Denver having Neurofibromatosis every day. I worry about it, everyday.

This is where my passion comes from.

The love of a parent knows no fear, no boundaries, no law, no pity.

One thing I do know?

GOD IS IN CONTROL. He delivers, and he is good.

I will cry to God the most High; to God who hath done good to me. Psalm 57:2

1 comment:

kyle said...

Hey Katy,
I am sorry that you guys are going through this. Now that I am a father I just can't imagine the emotional roller-coaster this must be. Denver is precious and I will be checking in and praying for your family.
Be still. Be strong. Be courageous.